The First Goodbye

Sister stayed with us for eight months! During these eight months her mom and dad did nothing to get her back. We had no visits, no phone calls, nothing! Sister was just like a child I had given birth to. Like all foster parents, I was a Facebook private investigator. I had her family tree pretty much mapped out. Ancestory.com has nothing on a crazy foster parent! Ask any of us! I even had my teacher friend, Bailey, stalking and mapping out the family at home during her free time. HAHA! During the whole process I knew there was an Aunt and Uncle that seemed like a nice family, judging from Facebook. Where were they? Why hadn't they stepped up? Sister's CASA workers, initial case worker, and the judge were almost positive that there was no family going to step up to get baby girl. For about six months, we were almost positive we would get to adopt this little girl. Keep in mind sister had FOUR different CPS workers in her eight months with us. As soon as one worker would have her case file and meet her once, her case would get handed to another worker. To say that these CPS workers are over worked is an understatement. I think they get such a bad wrap, but in all reality if they did their job exactly like they should there would be CPS offices all over the United States FULL of foster kids with no where to go. The bottom line is...there just aren't enough foster homes. Sister's case was no different from many other children in the system. Their file gets passed along until someone takes the time to figure it out. So this Aunt and Uncle I mentioned were from Arkansas. Anytime you are dealing with relatives that live in another state, the whole CPS case is a tangled mess. The amount of paperwork needed to be filed for these relatives to get this baby was crazy. They had called the CPS office many times trying to get someone to help them. Did we know that? NO! Not at all! I figured Aunt may have thought letting her sister's child be adopted by another family was best considering the stress her sister could potentially bring to the family. Aunt and Uncle, in hopes to speed up the process to get sister, got their foster care license. I remember the day Jessica called me and said, "Hey, are you busy...I'm going to swing by for a minute." My heart sank. I knew this wasn't good news. She explained to me that Aunt and Uncle had an approved home study on file. I knew then there was nothing we could do. She explained to me that we would have to take sister for a visit soon. Jessica also explained that the CASA workers and caseworker would be watching the whole visit through a one way glass. If the visit didn't go well, CASA could advocate for us to keep sister because she had a bond with our family. I had a flicker of hope then! Just maybe sister would show them how much she belonged to our family! The next few weeks were long, and I was a nervous wreck. Finally it was here...the day I would drive her to see her Aunt knowing that I would hand my baby girl over to them for this visit. We got to the visit early and walked into the small waiting area. Sister sat in my lap only knowing she was going to "see some people to play with for a little while." The door opened and in walked the Aunt, her son, and Aunt's mother. My heart raced! My throat felt like I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to cry and beg them to just let me keep my baby. Her Aunt was very respectful of us, but we exchanged no words. Aunt was also nervous and wanted the visit to go well. Sister was reluctant to go to her at first, but warmed up after a few minutes. The visit was an hour long...an hour! I felt like my whole world was crashing around me. Truthfully, I was telling myself if this baby leaves me I'm never doing this again! Anger, fear, sadness, worry, and all the what-ifs ran through my head. About 45 minutes into the visit we hear sister scream from the back, "I want my Dada!" Hearing her scream but not being able to get to her made me furious. Why is MY BABY locked behind doors I can't get through with people she doesn't really remember? Soon, Jessica came out the door and said, "Eric and Savanna, yall come back here! She is ready to leave but won't let any of us bring her out. She wants yall!" We both darted to the hallway where sister was standing. She ran to us and jumped in our arms. Her Aunt very nicely said, "I want to thank yall for everything yall have done for her." All I said back was, "I just want you to know we love her very much!" I was so mad at this Aunt for not stepping up earlier! Why did she not come 6 months ago? In the weeks to follow we found out more and more about sister's Aunt and Uncle. We learned how hard they had been trying to get this little girl. We found the Facebook page created just for her!! The Facebook page titled BRING "O" HOME. We learned that her Uncle had served in the military and was now a fireman. Her Aunt worked in the medical field helping families daily. I was a wreck and knew deep down in my heart sister was leaving us. About a month went by and they scheduled another visit. Before this visit I prayed these exact words. "Dear God, please show me what I need to see! If this baby is going to live with her Aunt and Uncle make this visit awesome for them all. Let her be excited to go back and play with them. Show me she belongs with them! If I need to fight for this little girl, show me that too! We will do what we need to do, but you have to show me where this little girl belongs." This time the Aunt and Uncle and both kids came to the visit. Sister walked right up to them and was excited to have other kids to play with. The visit went well and sister never yelled for us. When we got in the car that day I knew God had shown me exactly what I needed to see. I was exhausted when we got back home from the visit. Physically and emotionally drained! I ordered pizza in town, and sister and I went to pick it up. Getting back in the vehicle from picking up the pizza, sister grabbed the necklace that hung from my rear view mirror and said, "Momma take my picture." I broke! I cried...and laughed...and smiled...and knew God was talking right to me! I took the picture!! She was holding the necklace that read, "If only for a short TIME." You see, I had taken a picture of sister's hand, in my hand, holding that necklace months before! That necklace was a Christmas present from Children's Hope. I had put our hands together holding the necklace and posted it to my Facebook page in December. I then hung that necklace on my rear view mirror soon after to remind me daily what my purpose was. Why in the world would sister grab the necklace today? Why after FIVE months would she grab that necklace for me to take another picture of her holding it? I'll tell you why! God! That was God talking right to me saying, "Savanna, you asked for me to show you! Sister is holding the words in her hands. Your time is over with this sweet baby girl, but I have so much more planned for you!" I smiled so big and hugged sister with all my might. She wasn't my baby, and I knew I had to let her go. I knew I needed to soften my heart for this Aunt and Uncle and put myself in their shoes for once. They were good people who I had judged very harshly because I was misinformed. That day I knew God was taking care of sister, and it wasn't my job to be the "fixer" this time. I knew the time was coming when she would leave, but we didn't have dates set for court at this time. I remember being in Walmart shopping for an upcoming adult river trip that we had planned for the first of June. It was late and my phone rang. It was her case worker. I knew the words I would hear were going to be hard. She explained to me that her case had been put on the docket. Aunt and Uncle would be in court and would request to take sister ASAP. She told me the date and time. Court would be on the Thursday before we left for vacation on Friday. My legs started to shake. My stomach turned, and I felt like I was going to throw up. It was all really happening! I held it together until I could make it to my car to fall completely apart. I sat in the Walmart parking lot crying like a big ole baby! I didn't want to call Eric, who was at home with the kids, because I wanted him beside me when we talked about this for the first time. I called my friend Angie who lives only a few minutes away from Walmart. She came right away! She knew this was serious because I don't cry often. If I'm crying and it's hard to understand me when I'm talking, something really big is wrong. She sat in my car with me while I sobbed for a good 30 minutes. How would this work? Is this CPS worker going to just come and grab her from my house and take her away? What about Brody? What about us being gone all weekend? Would they take her while I was gone? After calming down and talking with Angie, I knew it would all be okay. I just needed to calm down and let God work. Court came! On the way there Jessica text me and said, "I'm going to ask the judge to give yall at least another month with her to say your goodbyes." I read the text and looked at Eric and said, "You know what I'm going to ask that judge to do? I'm going to ask them to come to our house tonight, so we can pack this baby up together. They can take her back home tonight with them. They drove over four hours here, why would we drag this out any longer if they are here today? Another month is just 30 more days of saying goodbye!" He agreed that's what needed to be done. When we arrived at court we met the Aunt and Uncle. We shared some tears, I told them her likes/dislikes, how well she was doing, and I pushed back millions of tears over and over again by taking deep breathes and continuing to swallow. Her case was then called. We stood up together as a family! The CPS worker stated we wanted the Aunt and Uncle to come to our home, so we could pack her up together today. He was in shock, but also very proud to see us work together. He thanked Eric and I for stepping up as her foster parents. The CPS worker was a little put out because she would have to "get a rent car and drive ALLLL the way to Arkansas tonight!" My words to her were, "We have time! Get that rent car." I wasn't going to have this baby girl packed up and put in the car with a stranger to drive all the way back to Arkansas not knowing where she was going. This time, we were doing what was right for sister and Brody! Brody needed to see that this transition wasn't bad. We had prayed with Brody every day for sister and her family. Brody knew if her family could get her back that was supposed to be best for her. The Aunt and Uncle followed us home where we laughed, talked, and packed sister up. We exchanged phone numbers and became Facebook friends. We even all went out to eat together that night before they left. Both Aunt and Uncle were very nice and thankful to us. We all three gave her big hugs and kisses and she left without a fear in the world. My heart was happy for how God had worked this out for our family. They assured us that we could always keep in touch with sister, and they would never keep us from her. I still get to see sister's pretty face! I miss her all the time, but I know she is so loved. Aunt gives me updates of how their case is going. And....Aunt is supportive of this blog and agreed that I could share our precious girl's face with you all. God had His perfect plan in place the whole time. God spoke right to me through a three year foster baby! His words ring in my ears often..."Savanna, if only for a short time! Your job is to Love on Borrowed Time!"

Our hands togther holding the necklace in Decmeber when it was given to me.

This little girl will always hold a very special place in our hearts! She was Brody's very first sister. She called him "Bubba" first. Her case taught us a lot about the foster care system, but it taught us so much more about trusting God. If I could have seen my life now back then, I wouldn't have lost so much sleep and cried so many tears. But that's just it! If God showed us all how much He had planned for us, we wouldn't have to call on Him. We wouldn't have to trust. He gives us these obstacles in life so we will draw near to Him. Ultimately, His peace is all that's left when our world seems to be caving in. The more we trust, the quicker we learn to depend on His peace. In this world everything is temporary! Our only job here is to LOVE God and LOVE others. Each day we are given is on Borrowed Time.

"O" holding the necklace after her visit!