We Just Loved Her Too Much...

As I made my way down the steep steps of the courthouse to the long, narrow walkway the distance to my car seemed to get farther away with each step I took. I was walking beside a mom, holding her precious baby, whose heart felt whole for the first time in 6 months and mine crumbled more and more with each step. When I turned around to see all the tears streaming down my husband's face all I could do was fake a smile and say, "Babe...stop it. Let's just get to the car." We sat in the car and cried together. We knew what we just did was absolutely what God specifically asked us to have peace about. You see, for 176 days we had loved a sweet baby girl "too much." We held her through all the sleepless nights when she first came to live with us. We woke up for every nighttime bottle she needed. We had changed every diaper, gave endless amounts of kisses, snuggled her back to sleep in the early morning hours, witnessed the first time she held her own bottle, her first bite of real food, watched her first teeth slowly grow in, and even helped her sit up for the first time by herself. We heard her say "bye-bye," her first words, before anyone else. For 4,224 hours we had loved a baby like our own, and on September 23rd, 2020 I had to place her back in her mom's arms knowing that we were fulfilling our purpose as God had asked us to.

Due to the Covid regulations all in person visits were suspended when Addi was place in our home at the end of March. Because of this, mom and dad were given two visits per week via FaceTime with their baby. This was the first time we had ever done visits this way for one of our foster children. I could see how Addi's parents longed to hold and touch their baby each week when they saw her on the screen of their phone. I could hear the crackle in her mom's voice each time she would have to tell her 4 month old baby "bye-bye" before they ended each call. I could see her dad struggle with the right words to say to this baby that he missed greatly. Can you imagine having to "visit" your 4 month old baby via FaceTime only? And I know right now there are probably some people reading this thinking, "Well they should have done better...they shouldn't have lost her..." but before you make all those assumptions, I would like you to first ask yourself if you have ever made a mistake? Okay...now that we are on the same page, please read on! I'm writing this because I've certainly made many mistakes and believe God forgives them ALL! God clearly tells us in John 15:12 that we are to love one another as He has loved us. He doesn't say JUST love the kids and forgot about their parents. So each week as I would watch Addi's mom and dad interact on the phone with their precious baby, my heart grew softer and softer for their situation. Yes, I loved their baby with all my heart, but I also heard God tell me many times..."They aren't promised Heaven, she is!" Our job of loving this precious baby was certainly important, but showing this couple, who was obviously struggling, love and grace became even more important with each passing week.

Against CPS recommendations, each week I would share more and more with her parents. Soon sharing videos and pictures became a priority for me. I would share information about doctor visits, her newest milestones, and her favorite foods. The four month old baby that CPS brought us in March, soon was not a tiny baby anymore. She had been with her biological parents for the first 4 months of her life and with us 6 months. Try to put that into perspective from both sides for a moment. This baby had been with us longer than her biological parents when this foster journey came to end. Her parents missed the 6 months that we so dearly cherished. Her parent's worst day was the day we fell in love. The day they felt the most whole, we were the most broken. God doesn't make mistakes, and His plans are always greater than ours. He knew we would feel this way, so He gave us each other!

We never thought for a moment that these parents wouldn't do everything possible to have Addi back. They began all the required services CPS had ordered to complete immediately. If their FaceTime visit started at 9:00 am the moment my cell phone would turn from 8:59 am to 9:00 am, the phone would ring. Both parents called, on time, each week no matter what. They always thanked us for what we were doing, gave us total respect for loving their baby, and never acted like victims...EVER! They owned their mistakes, chose to do better for their baby, and never once faltered on their plan to get her back. Even though we knew that Addi would be going home, we continued to fall more and more in love with her each day. By the time she was 8-9 months old she would reach for us, cry if someone else tried to hold her, and smile so big when we walked into daycare to pick her up each day. We were her safe place, the people who loved her unconditionally, we were mom and dad. This was a baby who had no relation to us whatsoever, a baby who we never had laid eyes on until March 31st, 2020 and you know what...we loved her too much!

The number one thing all foster parents will agree on is the statement we hear more than any. "I just could never do that...I would love them too much." Please don't be offended if you've said this to foster parents before, we get it! Yes, I agree...you will love them too much! And like I've said over and over again...not everyone is called to be a foster parent! In the future just try to rephrase that sentence because loving them too much is our job. It's what God has demanded we do. He's also called us all to love the biological parents as well. He's called us to love the weird people, naked people, hungry people, sick people, and even all the people that seem "unlovable." For me to bring this baby into my home, pray over her, take her to church every Sunday, and love her with everything I have while carrying around anger and bitterness in my heart towards her parents.... wouldn't that be defeating the whole purpose?

When the judge called us forward, we stood in front of a courtroom filled with people on Wednesday. While holding this precious baby, I knew our job was so much greater than just loving this blue eyed girl for 6 months. We raised our right hands and swore any information that was said would be the truth. When asked to explain how the parents were doing I expressed that of all the biological parents we had dealt with the past 5 years, these parents by far surpassed them all. My voice cracked as I held back tears and said, "I love this baby with all my heart, and if there was ONE thing bad I could say or ONE concern I had with this baby going home, trust me I would say it!" With a court room full of people, all there for child custody hearings, the judge chose to address the courtroom and explain that Addi's parents were a great example. He encouraged the other parents in the courtroom to cling to the hope of getting their children back, letting Addi's parent's situation be the ultimate goal. Everyone in the courtroom clapped as the judge awarded that Addi go home with her mom and dad that day. I could feel the pounding of her parent's hearts from four foot away where I stood. Before we entered the courtroom that morning we had all stood in the hall of the courthouse while Eric prayed. He asked that God be with everyone making the decisions for this baby. He prayed for the well being of Addi, as well as her parents. And against a broken heart, he prayed that Addi go home with her parents that day. Even though Eric and I were 99.9% certain she would go home that day, Addi's parents were so fearful she may not. That day they got to witness the power of prayer and how God can turn shame into glory as the echo of hand claps rang across the courtroom.

Walking away from court that day without a baby that we had loved for 6 months was hard, really hard! When I ask God for answers over and over He reminds me..."Love them too!" Eric and I rejoiced through tears for her parents. We were the saddest and the most proud at the same time. I have friends who have said goodbye to babies who are now in heaven, so I know what we went through that day doesn't compare in the least bit to that. I also know the story about the cross and how God must have felt all the same emotions times a MILLION. Watching His son die a horrific death with the saddest heart, but also feeling the most proud knowing that Jesus gave us a way to Heaven. Can you even imagine the feelings? I can't! I can't wrap my brain around a love that big, and I really don't think He expects us to fully understand just yet. I do think He does expect us to love big though. Love big until we go home! So Eric and I will continue on this journey. I'm sure soon we will say yes again just to love another little way too much. My encouragement to you, no matter what your calling, is to love big. If you're always comfortable, you aren't growing the kingdom. If you always avoid "loving too much" let this be the day you stop avoiding. I promise there's greater joy in "loving too much" than never loving at all. This isn't easy, but what is?

The lawyers for Addi's mom and dad met us outside the courtroom that day. They smiled and thanked us for what we had said and done. One lawyer looked at us with a sincere smile and stated, "I've been doing this for a long time, and what yall said in there today, about these parents, is by far the best thing we have ever heard any foster parents say." Please don't think I'm trying to brag here, or feel like we've got it all together, or think I'm a pro at saying goodbye. I'm not! It sucks! But I think so many times we are so quick to judge before we give others a chance. I know I am. When we first started this foster care journey I would find myself so mad at biological parents, which in many cases is how anyone would feel. Addi was our very first infant to ever foster. I know God gave us this situation specifically to open our hearts more and teach us how to have grace on biological parents. Would they have done things differently if given a second chance? Sure, I think they both would answer yes. But just like every story God so carefully orchestrates, without some wrong turns we would have never met each other. We wouldn't have had the opportunity to tickle this sweet baby and hear the most adorable laugh, lay in the bed each morning and listen to her babble, experience such great love for a tiny human, or show her parents grace and kindness in a time when they needed it most. I watched my husband fold laundry tonight with tears, yet again, streaming down his face. The teardrops on the couch, beside the cutest unicorn PJs, that were Addi's tell such a story. A really good story! If asked to do it all over again we both would say yes in a heartbeat, even knowing the heartbreak that would come. This isn't because we are so strong, so good at it, know how to handle it, or are even able to verbalize the emotions. We would say yes again because everytime we tell our story someone listens. They don't hear how great we are at what we do at all, they only hear about how great God is. Who knows what the next step will be or when we will see Addi again? Those aren't questions we should have the answers to right now. All we know is this journey is what we were made for, and we will continue Loving On Borrowed Time.